i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
Randomize
