If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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