So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Randomize
