After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
People with herpes should wear stickers.
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
