I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
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