i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
It's official! Naked girl is back and making stir fry. Still not sure she realizes we can see her whole apartment from our balcony. Cheap beer and a show.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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