i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Randomize
