My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
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