Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
And that's when I found out that Patrick wasn't in fact down with O.P.P.
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
