I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
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