"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
