Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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