dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
bathroom sex at kohls isnt as trashy as it seems
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
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