um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
So he says he needs "alone time" a day that he doesnt have to deal with anyone. should i be concerned?
I think in guy language thats " Im fucking someone else and dont want u catching me"
Why is your signature on my underwear?
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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