hell yes lets make some ravioli
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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