every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
