Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
I'm really busy with my period
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