Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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