i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
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