dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
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