You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
We're talking about addictions in class and there's a girl 2 rows in front of me on Farmville. Hello, example.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
Randomize
