Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Randomize
