i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
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