I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
Randomize
