so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
Randomize
