I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
