so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
Everyone loves nachos, first of all. Second, Ke$ha is entirely appropriate for the age grou too young to realize she probably has Hep C.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
REMEBER. We are young, horny, and poor. If someone wants to give us alcohol... TAKE. IT.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
