i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
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