Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
