how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
