So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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