your parents love me but you hate me
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
Also lets pinky promise right now that we will NOT play "Pony" outside of each other's rooms if we have a hook up over
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
Randomize
