Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Randomize
