Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
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The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
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You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize