I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
