I wish I could teleport
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
