Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
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