ya dads aren't the best wingmen
If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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