Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
How'd it feel making her break her religion?
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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