I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
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