he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
