I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
Does getting a boner while watching the celtic women sing opera on ETV make me cultured?
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
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