Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
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