nut hugger
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
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