i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
I forget how to act sober
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
