He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
