Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
tell me about the eggs
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
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