I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
I have one brief flash of having his dick in my hand. that's all I remember.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
Contemplating These 27 Questions Will Make Your Brain Explode
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
25 People Confess The Most Shocking Things They’ve Ever Seen In Public
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer