remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
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do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
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God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20