I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
