Whatcha textin bout Willis?
I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Randomize
