At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
did he really ask u insert a warm banna in ur anal?
I should be sponsored by Trojan
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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