guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
I want to be your penis for a week.
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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