If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
Randomize
