so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
