You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
Randomize
