$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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