omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
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