the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
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i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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