Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
