I swear she didn't look like that last week.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Randomize
