The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
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My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
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The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
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