its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
kill, fuck, marry: alice cullen, hermione granger, ginny weasley.
damn... fuck alice for sure, I feel bad but i think I have to say marry ginny... and kill hermoine! I can't believe I'm answering this right now.
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Randomize
