the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
Randomize
